The Power of The Mind Never Ceases to Amaze Me

The human mind is an incredible, often unfathomably powerful thing. The thing that I find bewildering about it is though its what is unmistakably makes up you, it doesn't always function in your best interests. That statement doesn't apply to everyone, most would find that they operate in unison with theirs, completely. But ask any addict, and they will tell you that its power for deception and subterfuge is beyond comprehension.

Any, and I mean any time an addict comes into contact with the means to get their next fix, their brain will kick into overdrive, doing whatever it can to assure that it can get it. Reasoning, bargaining, out and out lying is the first things an addict's mind is faced with when in this situation. "Don't worry, you don't need to pay rent cause its not due for two days and you can make that money back by then." No, you can't, and deep down even your brain knows that, but acceptance even in that moment, before consumption has taken place,   gives you an intoxicating high in the lead up to the real high.

See, I can see the point of view that this is your brain acting in your interests, and that this is part of you. But I honestly can't sit there and choose to believe that I am so weak willed, so wormy, because it makes me sick to my stomach. I wish that the part of my brain that evaluates my self worth and pride were turned off, as in the case of most with this affliction, but alas its not. In the end I will see that it will be the part that drives me to better myself, both in this situation and in life in general. But for the moment I live with a self hatred unlike anything that I thought possible.

Every stint sober is really just prolonging the inevitable, because its only leads to false starts and do-overs. I need to want to change, but I don't. I wish I knew how to change.