A Misconseption of Existance

I trudged along this newly found path of depravity, with no clear goal in mind. I put my masochistic traits in full view of the crowd, we cheered, applauded and beat me with equal enthusiasm. As the show got old, the crowd started to dissipate. Only those with a personal reason to completely destroy me remained.

They did not need physical instruments, for they were too smart for that. They slowly but surely picked apart my fragile mental state, the only true way to cripple a person. I could feel them beginning to take over, yet I kept coming back for more.

As I picked up my beaten and broken body off the dirty wet ground I wondered when my next session would be, but knew it wouldn't belong. Despite a slight gap it was an almost weekly endeavor (sometimes more often, but I cant always be that lucky).

As I trudged back along the dark path again, I smiled to myself, because that was still less detrimental then spending even one second alone with my thoughts.

My glass is half skewed....

Its been a strange time. Things have been gettung good again...but prior experience says this is followed by the crash. FUCK THAT I DONT DESERVE ANOTHER ONE!

The more time I spend sober...

The more I realise the point of my chemical love affair. The cycle is repeating it self once again, point A to point B then back to point A, (with an occasional stop of at point C or D, but they dont hold the same status.)

Stuck in a "rut" doesn't begin to describe it.

( As I blog this i am returning to point A)

A Real Experience

i want someone knowledgeable and intelligent to join me on a massive LSD experience. One dose (800mics) to help me assertain the spirit in the spirit molecule

Mid-life Crisis?

Can it be possible that my body as aclimitised to the fact that with, my current lifestyle, this could well be my mid life? This would seem apparent with my scattered metal state, though I am not feeling the pull to buy a sports car.

Then again.....

....

...

..

.

This is a stupid idea, the universe is way to cruel to let me die too young.

My Chemical Princess

She appeared in a burst of firey passion, and everyone rejoiced.She moved with grace and poise, but something seemed off. She loved everyone for a nominal charge, but left you hanging for more. The masses tried to resist, but it was no use. When she was gone it just wasnt the same they crawled back for more. no one saw it coming, but she dissapeared as quickly as she came, leaving only despair and the faint memory of the chemical princess.

Huh. Guess I am human.

In the last few days I have found something i'd lost. its quite a scary prospect. I have lived for a while with no emotional part of in my brain. well i doubt that's true, it was proberly just buried underneath something seemingly more important.

Fuck this it was way better for me to live in my numb state, i much perfered it. I was used to it, and it made situations a hell of a lot easier. Dont assume that the things that i have said in the past, good or bad, were false, as i did mean them. Its quite difficult to expain what i am feeling. maybe its just my brain working on a human level for once.

But starting from now I am making a few changes. I am going to be cutting a lot of people out of my life completely, and for the smaller number of you that are left i am going to work to improve the friendship that we have. Along with cleaning house I am also going to (attempt) to fix aspects of myself that i (and I'm sure that my friends) dont like too much.

Alot of why i blather on and do some annoying things sometimes i believe has to do with my younger, primary school years. I never talked to anyone or socialised until i hit highschool. thats not an exaggeration. So once high school came along i all of a sudden developed a new outgoing personality almost instantly and without provocation. all good, except that i had missed about 9 years of developing skills and learning how to interact with humans instead of literature, my only aquantance till that point.

I guess that actually explains my choice is men. I like people here and there but i have only ever been infatuated with the strange, socially awkward guys. I think i see the person i used to be, and in a way i miss that.

But i am trying to improve that aspect of myself.I can identify the things that i do that I dont like, but i cant seem to stop myself doing them. Add into the fact that i am constantly stressing around certain people, worrying that what i say or do is annoying them and inadvertantly pushing them away.

But i digress, self improvement time must start now. See you all on the flipside.

I am a god amongst men.

And when the world colapses it will be because I willed so. I will rain down more fire and brimstone to put "God" to shame. I am the alpha and the omega, the beggining and the end.

Peasants and kings both cower to my might. I am more frightning than Lucifer on a 3 month crack binge.

Anyone I deem unworthy will be struck down to a place more horrible than this rotting sespool

Is this honestly how you think i see myself?


(That said I am pretty fucking awesome)

Petty high school shit. Yet I'm not in high school.....

I had some words written to me today. These words, which I did not take kindly to, got my brain in action. These words, which included such choice phrases as;

"What gives you the right to have such a superior attitude to everyone else"

"You walk around like everyone aspires to be you or something" and

"My god you are ignorant!! I'm having a go at you cause your a rude arrogant bastard."

I do have a superior attitude, but that is part of who I am. Its not like its a newly developed thing, when the original friendship was developed it was there. I have been called many names, which I can just brush off, that doesn't bother me. The thing that drives me to becoming a massive cunt to people is being judged for what I do. It happened the other day with my best friend, who (in jest) said, and I am paraphrasing here "Yeah, like the way you have to sell your shit a lot cause you get into drug debts." That didn't fuck me off, but it hurt more than I could explain.

The person who started this argument, whom I also care for deeply, judged me for my apparent lack of direction and my shitty job (fast food). I know I can do better than this, but I am quite comfortable in my mediocrity. But I guess now that's not true, as if a comment about it has hurt me even a little, I may be more insecure about it than I care to admit to myself.

"The only thing I hate more than myself is everyone else" A wise Doctor said that once, and I have never agreed with a statement more. I am getting my license soon, early next year I am planning an aimless pilgrimage. All I need is 2 close friends and a fuck-load of dangerous and experimental psychoactive chemicals and ill be set.

See you on the road fuckbags.

Meth

You cannot beat the system
But there are those of us who try,
And in the world of drugs and guns,
We all deserve to die.

"We're all here to live and learn"
But with the life we lead in hell we'll burn,
Its divine selection
masquerading as expensive perfection
until the funds run dry.

To your life you say goodbye,
For every hit you have to buy,
And in the end
You'll kill a friend
To ensure you dont run dry.

Its all a bit sad and depressing,
But not really an issue worth pressing,
Its population controll
(With a fucking great roll)
But to no higher power will you be confessing.