The Bitter End of a Life Wasted

I think, as I mature and move from one failed relationship to the next, that the thing that scares me most is dying alone. At the moment I am replacing loneliness with a cubic fuck-ton of Amphetamines of various description, but seeing as they are so god damn expensive I can't see this being a sustainable long term option.

I have always had this mental image of myself sitting on a porch in an old wooden rocking chair brandishing a shotgun waiting for a youth to come on onto my property so I can exercise my right to protect my home. This used to absolutely terrify me.

But is this really a bad thing? I look around at my peers on a constant basis and think, "what the fuck am I doing in this generation?" Obviously there are exceptions within this group for the special people who have this same intense hatred of said generation, but these people are few and far between. My point however is that I don't want to grow old and be surrounded by the imbeciles that will populate (and even more terrifyingly) run this world. Loneliness seems like a much more preferable option when that is taken into account.

But that could be bullshit, I am not entirely sure. I've eaten enough Dexamphetamine to produce intricate hallucinations, so I am not sure I am in the best state to be pondering such morbid topics. But I am sitting at a crossroads, riding the line between the old me and the person I need to be. I need to hit a balance between the old me, the partier, the asshole, the heavy narcotics abuser to what is becoming the new me, the self sufficient, responsible, reasonable, productive and functioning member of society.

That guy sounds like a fucking bore.

I don't get your allure, but I don't want to be without you...

Its 2:16 am. I am awake and I have work in about 6 hours. I won't sleep, the amphetamines I have been smoking will see to that. Yet I am not the least bit worried, I am completely contented, nothing can bring me down at the moment. I am sitting all alone in my room with a desk lamp on, a laptop on my lap, a loaded crack pipe and lighter to the left, along with more baggies containing shard. To me, right now, this is utopia.

Which worries me slightly. I usually just smoke ice in social situations, where me and friends would sit, talk, laugh and get to know each other better than ever. That is what Ice is the best for, sharing pipes with friends in exchange for stories and anecdotes. Yet here I am, sitting all alone, typing, smoking and listening to drum and bass, and I love it. When i felt i was developing a problem, (refer to previous posts) if i knew this kind of "alone high" was achievable i would have been in DEEP trouble.

Actually scrap that, i don't think i would of. In that dark and horrible part of my part I smoked and smoked to socialise with people out of a fear of being...alone i guess. I am still quite conflicted to why that happened, but i feel that that is the most likely option.

I think the real questions come down to amphetamines, and i still can't work them out. I know exactly what there like, feelings and how they make you think, and I fucking love them. But when pressed I for the life of me can't explain why. The best I can come up with is that Amphetamines turn you into the person you wish you were, and make you feel good about it. Which is true to an extent, but that can't be the only reason, for that is far to shallow to justify the enormous expense.

Well, whatever the answer, its now 3.30am lots of conversations, pips and downloading has occurred during the writing of this.

And i still feel as good as I did at the beginning. Can a hear a Hip-Hip-Horay for amphets????

-Switch