Regularity Does Not Breed Understanding

As a society, we hear so many words in our day to day lives. We hear names for peoples ailments thrown around every day, so much so that they become common place, part of our daily lexicon. When we hear about something enough, we feel that we can understand or empathise with the ailment, when in reality this could not be further from the truth. Any attempt at empathising is in and of itself a belittling both the ailment and the person suffering from it.

Addiction is the one I can speak of from personal experience. People have the impression that this is as simple as 'wanting something really bad' and the course of treatment is simply to stop it using, as if it were that easy. People think that they totally understand, and that only 'weak minded' people can succum to such a position. I wish I could show them, for just one minute, what its like living this life.

I wish I could show them the curse of never being able to trust your own mind, and having to live with the knowledge that it is looking for that next dopamine rush, and will do anything to get it. I wish they could understand the constant fear of consequences of their actions, of juggling money around from this person to that person, hoping to buy enough time whereupon a beating is not doled out in lieu of immediate payment. I wish I could show them the way that you convince yourself that lying to your friends and family is the right way to go about doing things, or in some cases the only 'logical' option. I wish that they could feel the hunger of going without food for days, and having to remind yourself to do everyday tasks.

Most of all though, I wish I could show them the feel when a fresh load of high quality amphetamine is pushed through your veins, headed straight for your brain. I wish that I could make them feel, just once, that 'taste' in the back of your throat, and the heat that seems to come out of your heart. I wish that they understood how the rush will overcome you, causing you to run your hands through your hair, because its the first time in hours, (days, weeks...), that these feelings have washed over you.

Most of all though? I wish I could make them understand how in this perfect moment, everything melts away. Every worry, every harassing phone call from someone wanting payment, every lie you've told up until this point ceases to mean everything.

In that one perfect, beautiful moment, you are truly free.

The Power of The Mind Never Ceases to Amaze Me

The human mind is an incredible, often unfathomably powerful thing. The thing that I find bewildering about it is though its what is unmistakably makes up you, it doesn't always function in your best interests. That statement doesn't apply to everyone, most would find that they operate in unison with theirs, completely. But ask any addict, and they will tell you that its power for deception and subterfuge is beyond comprehension.

Any, and I mean any time an addict comes into contact with the means to get their next fix, their brain will kick into overdrive, doing whatever it can to assure that it can get it. Reasoning, bargaining, out and out lying is the first things an addict's mind is faced with when in this situation. "Don't worry, you don't need to pay rent cause its not due for two days and you can make that money back by then." No, you can't, and deep down even your brain knows that, but acceptance even in that moment, before consumption has taken place,   gives you an intoxicating high in the lead up to the real high.

See, I can see the point of view that this is your brain acting in your interests, and that this is part of you. But I honestly can't sit there and choose to believe that I am so weak willed, so wormy, because it makes me sick to my stomach. I wish that the part of my brain that evaluates my self worth and pride were turned off, as in the case of most with this affliction, but alas its not. In the end I will see that it will be the part that drives me to better myself, both in this situation and in life in general. But for the moment I live with a self hatred unlike anything that I thought possible.

Every stint sober is really just prolonging the inevitable, because its only leads to false starts and do-overs. I need to want to change, but I don't. I wish I knew how to change.

The Things We Tell Ourselves….

Its very rare that I actually take a step back and think, about what I do and who I am. And I almost never do this sober. Intoxication lets me be less harsh on my self (and, I guess, slightly unrealistic), but I think that is important. Sober, I am down on myself, overly critical to the point where I can’t see any of the good that other people say they see in me.

So yes, as you probably guessed if you are a regular reader, I have picked up the glass penis (pipe), for the first time in a while. I am not annoyed at myself because I am smoking it, but I am annoyed at myself for doing it on a work night. I hadn’t even thought of it in a while (during the week I mean, it always crosses my mind at parties, or when I have nothing to do on the weekends), but an old mate came over an asked me to hook him up. And what kind of person would I be if I didn’t join in too.

The kind of stuff we managed to pick up stops just short of being mind blowing, but is still probably the best stuff I have had in 6-8 months (that said, that does include the few months where I stopped smoking the shit).

Excuse me for one moment, I just have to take a hit of nitrous. There we are, all better. Well, while I think of the next sentence I may as well have toke of the white smoke. Look, I know this isn’t normal. I know that I am a self-destructive fuck head. I know, I know, I know. The only thing I don’t understand is why I can’t make myself stop.

Every good chance I get, I squander with the chance to get intoxicated. I have a serious problem. But the more I think about it, the less I think it’s the drugs. The drugs are just a means to an end, it would be the same if I got heavily into sex or if I was an adrenaline junky. It’s a pass time, it’s an escape.

Every time I am brave enough to consider this topic, I come closer and closer to the realisation; I think I have depression. I have all the typical signs, an inability to get out of bed some days, suicidal thoughts,  etc. Now, I don’t think I have it very bad. Like, I consider ending it, but I honestly don’t think I have it in me.

That said, there is one thing in life that gives me pure and utter joy, a high that no drug can bring. When I am behind those decks, blasting tunes to a crowd or broadcasting worldwide on Fridays on our online radio station, I am at peace with the world. But this also backfires, if I play a bad set, I take it personally.

For example I got to play a set at Shut Up and Dance 2, which was undeniably the biggest underground party of the season. Three stages, three crews, an amazing line up, which included a internationally headlining Dj and MC duo: Qbik and Seeka. I got to play on the same stage as them, fuck I got to play on the same decks. Everyone told me I did fine, but I didn’t think so.

And that’s the hardest part, when I thought I missed a drop or transition, I would duck behind the decks and punch myself in the head and say “what are you doing, you fucking idiot.” I never feel like I am letting myself down, I have no aspirations that I am an amazing DJ, but I feel like I rob the crowd of the amazingness that is Drum and Bass, and that hurts me.

I have never had more passion for anything than I have for Drum and Bass, and even though I beat the crap out of myself for missing a drop, when I hit it, I swell up inside. For real, if I had no inhibitions, I would blubber like an idiot after a good set, (can you imagine though? I mean, it’s already hard enough to get cred in this scene as a faggot, if I was a blubbering faggot? Say goodbye to any shred of respect I have managed to amass).

But apart from those few fleeting moments of pure, unadulterated happiness I am empty. I get up every day, and I remember that I am being crushed by a mountain of financial debt and societal emptiness. I realise that I have very few real friends, and even fewer people who actually give a fuck about me. I realise I am alone, and that it’s my own fault.

But I have been trying to change, I have been trying to be a better person. I treat people better, I actually listen when other people talk, and I am not so self-centred anymore.  Or at least I try not to be. But for every step forward I take 2 steps back, I am a better friend, then I fall in love with the wrong man.

My brain fucking sucks. I am not sure how I am gonna go on from here. But I know that today, I am gonna do what ever I need too to get another hit.

Care to join?

New lease on... It.

Hello again. I am so fucking lazy when it comes to updating this thing. I assume that this is now nothing more than an online journal that no one else but me will read. I am OK with this, in fact that could be better. Alot has changed since my last update, I have moved into a new place.

Actually, thats pretty much it. That, in itself, is still a big change however. I forgot the simple pleasures of being able to fucking relax in my own house, free of any parental supervision. Its freeing, and wonderful. Blissful even. I have settled into this place so much quicker than I did my last. My housemate is fantastic, the place itself is nice and its in close proximity to every basic nessescity that I need. I am in a far better place now, and thats a start.

Peace out, bitches.

Operation Hiatus = completed

First of all: I am sorry. I know it's been a long time since I have updated this thing. No excuses, I have just been slack. To the few loyal readers: that's all about to change.

So I will start with an update on my situation. Back in early April I started a job at iinet as a tech support CSR. AMAZINGLY I managed to hold that down all the way till November..... where I got to resign with a good reference. Considering where I was this time last year that alone is a massive achievement.

The reason behind me resigning was that I have accepted a new job in the insurance field. Still on the phones, but a big step up in terms of money and experience. I have a good feeling about this.

Elsewhere in my life I have been keeping it pretty chilled, hanging out  with friends on most weekends instead of partying like a mad thing. When I go out, I do it hard, but it's rather infrequent.

On the drugs side I have cut way way down on the rock, limiting myself to a couple of points/a hw around once a month. I like that, it's nice to have a taste every now and then, but only over the weekends. I have been sticking to this rather well.

Of course that could be due to the fact that pills are back in Perth. I haven't been hammering them too hard, just one or two every weekend. It's amazing to have real pills back in Perth, and all signs point to go as far as this being my first "summer of love" thank fuck for that!

My musical career is going from strength to strength!  Have been getting quite a number of good gigs, getting lots of exposure. The quality of my mixing is so much better, and numerous people have said as much, which makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Having my own decks has helped to a massive degree.

I am still mixing the lighter, more uplifting style of dnb, which is rare here in Perth, so that helps me stand out.

As for my love life....it's still non existent, but at the moment, with so many good things coming my way, I don't mind.

I feel like my shit is finally starting to get sorted, and the axe dangling over my head has finally been carted away. 

Feels good, man.

You Tell Me Yours, I'll Tell You Mine

This is a topic of discussion i wrote for a gay youth forum, however it goes into alot of detail regarding my personal life, especially when I would have classified myself as an amphetamine addict. Some lines will be out of context, but take a read if you want :)

Hello GYC members, I am a long time member, but I usually peruse the forums more than post in them. But there is one thing that has been on my mind and I wanted to rack all of your brains to, and that is substance abuse among teenagers.

I have noticed a trend in my city (Perth, Western Australia, AKA Dullsville)of gay youths abusing multiple substances, be it alcohol or stronger. Now I will give you a bit of background on me and my world, so you can see where I am coming from and the people that surround me.

My name is Sam, I am 18 and I am a DJ. A popular pastime in this state for under-age people is attending "All Ages Raves" essentially a group of kids in a warehouse with some of the states finest DJ's (and quite often major international DJ's as well. These events are quite major, but still underground). There is security and bouncers, and cops have been known to put officers in undercover, pretending to be part of the crowd. As you can imagine this is a well known haven for drug taking, even though they are advertised as drug and alcohol free events.

I came into the scene in late 2007- 2008. My first rave was the first time I tried extacy. I was a rather unhappy teenager, and up until that first pill I had NEVER experienced emotions of love that strong, I had never felt so amazing. Most ravers used extacy, some used LSD and a minority (mainly the over 18's) used speed pressed into a pill form.

Now, if you have never been to an event like that before, you may think that sounds horrible/stupid/dangerous. Quite the contrary, every one new each other, was able to talk to a person they didn't know without fear of being shunned. Most attendees were social misfits, but here they fit in.

That said, it wasn't an uncommon occurrence to see kids between the ages of 13-15 (including myself) lying to there parents to go to these events, and dosing up on these chemicals, due to the ease of access.

The bigger problem though, was that these kids were not confining there drug use to just this one night a month. It became a weekly, for some a daily occurrence. For kids this young, with brains that aren't fully developed yet, this is seriously a worrying situation.

Then late 2009 beginning of 2010 extacy went away. All the pills going around were fake. At this point in time extremely high quality Ice (Meth-amphetamine/Crystal Meth) started coming into the state. When you first start using Ice, it feels very very similar to extacy. So people started to turn to ice. And the scumbags that were selling it were selling to people as young as 14 years old.

Ice is that main chemical that was abused, however it is just as easy to attain Pot, LSD or even Heroin.

Now there are a lot of scare tactics employed by governments about Ice, let me dispel some rumours, 1. Meth will not make you go crazy and start attacking everyone. To be honest you are more likely to feel feelings of love towards them and want to sit down and listen to their life story. 2. Meth isn't addictive in the way it is described. Meth is addictive in its moorish-ness. You know when you're like, "I will just have one piece of candy" and then you eat the whole box? Well that's what this is like. But a hell-of-a-lot more expensive. And when you start coming off it, the cravings are horrible. You don't start scratching yourself or anything like that, but you will do what you have to do to get more.

More and more people were turning to this horrible drug, myself included. I am a recovering amphetamines addict. Now I don't throw that word around lightly, I had a $350 dollar a day habit, over a period of 7 months. That is approximately 0.75g of 80% pure, (that is EXTREMELY potent) meth-amphetamine per day. I would often go days/weeks without sleep. I fucked up friendships, because I became a synical, grumpy person who no one (apart from other meth-heads) wanted to hang out with. My relationship with my parents deteriorated. I stole money from friends/family. I was only 16/17 years old at this time.

I wish I could say that I was the only person stupid enough to do this, but I wasn't. All around me my friends were becoming the same fiend that I was. Become a vain, pompous, shell of a person.

Obviously we couldn't support our habits with our menial jobs,(I worked in fast food at the beginning, then got a lucrative job within the government that did, in fact, pay very well, but I am an exception, not the rule), so a lot of us turned to selling the product.

Now the reason I bring this up is that most of the people that went down this path are homosexuals. Now, that isn't because I hang around alot of homosexuals, (to be honest with the genre of music I have dedicated the last few years of my life to bringing to people, I usually hang out with hetro's in their mid-20's), but an observation I have made through my many conversations with people at these events, on facebook and through personal contact.

And I think I know why. Being a teenager is hard, but being a gay teenager is sometimes a hell of a lot harder. Typically, gay teenagers are rife with questions about who they are, will they be accepted by their peers, ect. Alot of the time being different can leed to a low self worth, depression, and just generally not being happy about you as a person.

These drugs, all of them, exctacy, ice, cocaine (especially cocaine), and to a lesser extent LSD, pot and alcohol, make you feel better about yourself, make you feel like the person you desperately want to be. That is why I started abusing drugs, I can tell you that. Personally I am now 3 months sober (from meth), still DJing (much better now that I am not high all the time ) and working a great job (I am a high school drop-out earning 37k at 18).

A lot of my peers weren't so lucky. A vast number of them still use everyday, living each day in extreme unhappiness. A couple went to rehab. One is currently in jail for possession with intent to sell amphetamines.

My question to you community members is: is it like this anywhere else in the world? Do you think homosexual youths are more likely to abuse drugs?

Please feel free to ask any questions/relay any comments about my above story. I know it was a bit long-winded, but I just hope that someone reads through it, and may be able to help someone going down the same path.

And when you do...

Don't think. Seriously, thinking is the counterpart to living. It hinders your ability to enjoy, to be carefree. Its your worst enemy.

But of course if you choose to follow this advice you have to accept the fact that there will be consequences. They are a natural part of living that lifestyle. Don't do something and act surprised when they fall upon you, cause the obviousness of them is overwhelming, so blatantly obvious that there is no way you can not see the coming. Its really up to you if you are prepared to deal with them when they come around. If not, continue to live your life as you do, safe and secure.

But its only when you let go of everything that you can be truly free. There will be people who will look down on you for this, and rightly so. But among others you will gain massive respect. I can't assure you that it will be shown, but it will definitely be there.

In the end you will come to realize that you are a fuck up, but thats ok. There is nothing wrong with leading a life of mediocrity, so long as thats how you get to do the things you want to do. If you are born to fuck up, there isn't alot you can do to change that. But its better than sitting around being a mopey shit about it, cause then you're in a bigger cage than you were before.

In all honesty you should probably disregard everything that has been said, as it is the inane ramblings of a druggie moron who has given up.


But at least I'm free. And I can feel it every minuet of everyday. And i don't think i would have it any other way.