The Most Beautiful Form of Brain Damage.

I suffer from the most beautiful form of brain damage. I don't see the world as you do. Behind my eyes a world of colour lives and breathes, swells and falls in my mind. In front of my eyes things that don't move move, sway and stagger. Pattens form in distant emptiness, blank walls buzz with an eclectic hum. I believe i see more beauty in the world, and for that i am greatful.

But how did this brain damage come to be? Through my own reality escaping endeavours, namely LSD. The drug has given me this, beautiful curse, over years of abuse. The main question I believe I should be held accountable for is, "Why did you let it come to this?" Well sir the signs were there, I knew what was coming. But how could I not abuse something so beautiful, so magical?

I couldn't. The funny thing in this whole situation is that in seeking a strong temporary escape from reality, I have attained a lesser permanent one.

And I wouldn't swap it for anything.

Look Both Ways After Crossing The Street

Spiralling out of control is a pointless term. Never has someone spiralled out of control, as they at some point must seem to be "better" or else why would no one notice the rapid decline? I believe people meander out of control, different directions both good and bad before hitting rock bottom. But the point people seem to miss is that rock bottom is never the bottom, as there is a foundation that keeps the rock in place.

"YAY!!!" I hear you scream. "Once again a self absorbed diatribic post!" Yet that is not the case. For me, I feel better, somewhat contented. I still have no purpose, no ambition and apathy in buckets, but I have this odd sensation. I think I am finally OK. This was helped along by an evening I spent with a wise Doctor.

This doctor medicated me, gave me potent truth telling chemicals and then we proceeded to talk. About what you might ask? Of things that would be of no importance to you. But at least to me, they were extremely important topics. As those of you who know me to some degree will no doubt disagree, I keep very few close friends. Very few people will I go out of my way to spend time with, to help out, to let a thought of them cross my mind. But for those who do they know I shall be forever loyal. I believe that between the conversations me and the Doctor had, seeds of an evolving friendship were laid.

But that is not meant to be as pathetic as it sounds. Or maybe it is. I just don't know any more, but for me to have someone that I can just be myself around with no reservations, judgements or obvious signs of contempt for even one night makes me feel....happy? I doubt it could be true, but then again stranger things have happened.

The worst feeling in the world is seeing yourself fall into an abyss of your own making. The best feeling in the world is clawing, scratching and biting your way out of it. Yet I am not nearly at the top, but I am beginning to see the light, and less of the endlessness beneath me.

Its a magical experience that the vast majority of abyss-dwellers will never experience. I am glad I have.

Huh. I guess this was a self absorbed diatribic post. My bad.