Regularity Does Not Breed Understanding

As a society, we hear so many words in our day to day lives. We hear names for peoples ailments thrown around every day, so much so that they become common place, part of our daily lexicon. When we hear about something enough, we feel that we can understand or empathise with the ailment, when in reality this could not be further from the truth. Any attempt at empathising is in and of itself a belittling both the ailment and the person suffering from it.

Addiction is the one I can speak of from personal experience. People have the impression that this is as simple as 'wanting something really bad' and the course of treatment is simply to stop it using, as if it were that easy. People think that they totally understand, and that only 'weak minded' people can succum to such a position. I wish I could show them, for just one minute, what its like living this life.

I wish I could show them the curse of never being able to trust your own mind, and having to live with the knowledge that it is looking for that next dopamine rush, and will do anything to get it. I wish they could understand the constant fear of consequences of their actions, of juggling money around from this person to that person, hoping to buy enough time whereupon a beating is not doled out in lieu of immediate payment. I wish I could show them the way that you convince yourself that lying to your friends and family is the right way to go about doing things, or in some cases the only 'logical' option. I wish that they could feel the hunger of going without food for days, and having to remind yourself to do everyday tasks.

Most of all though, I wish I could show them the feel when a fresh load of high quality amphetamine is pushed through your veins, headed straight for your brain. I wish that I could make them feel, just once, that 'taste' in the back of your throat, and the heat that seems to come out of your heart. I wish that they understood how the rush will overcome you, causing you to run your hands through your hair, because its the first time in hours, (days, weeks...), that these feelings have washed over you.

Most of all though? I wish I could make them understand how in this perfect moment, everything melts away. Every worry, every harassing phone call from someone wanting payment, every lie you've told up until this point ceases to mean everything.

In that one perfect, beautiful moment, you are truly free.

The Power of The Mind Never Ceases to Amaze Me

The human mind is an incredible, often unfathomably powerful thing. The thing that I find bewildering about it is though its what is unmistakably makes up you, it doesn't always function in your best interests. That statement doesn't apply to everyone, most would find that they operate in unison with theirs, completely. But ask any addict, and they will tell you that its power for deception and subterfuge is beyond comprehension.

Any, and I mean any time an addict comes into contact with the means to get their next fix, their brain will kick into overdrive, doing whatever it can to assure that it can get it. Reasoning, bargaining, out and out lying is the first things an addict's mind is faced with when in this situation. "Don't worry, you don't need to pay rent cause its not due for two days and you can make that money back by then." No, you can't, and deep down even your brain knows that, but acceptance even in that moment, before consumption has taken place,   gives you an intoxicating high in the lead up to the real high.

See, I can see the point of view that this is your brain acting in your interests, and that this is part of you. But I honestly can't sit there and choose to believe that I am so weak willed, so wormy, because it makes me sick to my stomach. I wish that the part of my brain that evaluates my self worth and pride were turned off, as in the case of most with this affliction, but alas its not. In the end I will see that it will be the part that drives me to better myself, both in this situation and in life in general. But for the moment I live with a self hatred unlike anything that I thought possible.

Every stint sober is really just prolonging the inevitable, because its only leads to false starts and do-overs. I need to want to change, but I don't. I wish I knew how to change.