I am now "that" kid.

Last night was horrible. I should have caught the last train home. But i didn't. Shit happens. Instead i had to deal with my self for hours, whereupon i fell into an inescapable hole of self reflection.

I try to love everyone, and although at times people make it fucking hard, i do my best. But i don't have a place in this world. The fact that I don't fit in with the societal misfits is a testament to that. But fuck me I've tried.

I don't know what it is about me, maybe i ask to many stupid questions. Maybe my demeanor is not likable. Maybe I am just a twat. I don't know. The attention of a few people whom i desperately crave is unattainable, as is their acceptance. I shouldn't crave this, yet I do as i need something to validate my existence. I never get calls just for a chat anymore, EVERY call i receive has something to do with organizing drugs. When the fuck did this happen?

My life would be so much simpler if i sold out to a 'scene.' But fuck you Perth for expecting me to sell out my values for something a whole lot faker. I am who i am, and i am not going to change.

But i know even that's a lie, because if that's what i had to do to become great friends with said people, i would do it. Just because I am so fucking lonely.

And i don't know what the worst part is, the fact that no one knows, or the fact that if they did, its an extreme possibility that they wouldn't care.

On my way, back in the game.

By back in the game i of course mean the way back to Dextromethorphan happiness, 600 mg consumed, trip report after finished. Only been about 20 mins, beggining effects are starting to come on, as the entire bottle was consumed at once, typing difficult.

Cigarette needed.

Ask alice

My brain is stuggling. I need a trip. I need it now. I need the horrible introspective hours of catatonic despair.


White rabbit......

If you drop nine trips in both eyelids, you might want to stay away from high rise cribs

Is this what my life is destined to become? Getting stoned and reading Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas every night?


No. I was made to chase the white rabbit across the surrealistic pillow....

Lifes leasons.

None of lifes real leasons are learnt. They have to be experienced. For those who dream dark, who live their lives in the times of shadow, lessons come in the simplest of times. Westernised society raises us to be a productive member of said society, get a good job, a car, as much cash as you can pocket. Earn what is yours, for then it truely is. How has this come to be? How have we progressed as a species to the point where a life is simply going through the motions? I awake, i school, i work, but is this really a life? Is this the best i can hope for in my years where my heart still beats? How is one to find true happiness in such a world? I am chasing this sought after, always elusive concept of happiness. The thing that scares me most is that i expect that if i ever found it, i wouldnt know.

This is just me, mulling my thoughts, for those who listen.

As a totally impulsive decision i decided to name my new blog page "Deeply Disturbed." I began to question why this name came to me so suddenly, as if it was already thought out, planned. For a while now I have began to question my own identity, to dig deeper into my mental psyche and find out who I am. I am a person who, in the past, has felt so insecure in mediocrity that numerous lies were told, piled upon each other, to make myself seem....Grander. Here is the only definite facts i know about my self.

1. I'm 16.
2. I'm Gay.
3. I have lost all sense of myself.

Yet, although i feel that to break out of my current lapse in motovation and better judgement, I think that if i really wanted to find out who i was i would have done it long ago. Truth be told i am comfortable living in numbness of my own making, emotionally cold and disconnected, yet deeply human and over emotional. A contodicition in terms yes, yet for anyone who has been in my current position i am sure it is easy to relate to.


But back to the title. What does it mean. Its it a manifestation of the fact that i worry deeply that i dont think like a human should? Is it that i think, (or rather would like to think), that my life is fucked up beyond repair? Or, is it simply a self indulgent eye catching title which holds no meaning whatsoever, yet makes me think that something a little deeper is achievable.

Why cant it be all these things?