Its very rare that I actually take a step back and think,
about what I do and who I am. And I almost never do this sober. Intoxication
lets me be less harsh on my self (and, I guess, slightly unrealistic), but I
think that is important. Sober, I am down on myself, overly critical to the
point where I can’t see any of the good that other people say they see in me.
So yes, as you probably guessed if you are a regular reader,
I have picked up the glass penis (pipe), for the first time in a while. I am
not annoyed at myself because I am smoking it, but I am annoyed at myself for
doing it on a work night. I hadn’t even thought of it in a while (during the
week I mean, it always crosses my mind at parties, or when I have nothing to do
on the weekends), but an old mate came over an asked me to hook him up. And what
kind of person would I be if I didn’t join in too.
The kind of stuff we managed to pick up stops just short of
being mind blowing, but is still probably the best stuff I have had in 6-8
months (that said, that does include the few months where I stopped smoking the
shit).
Excuse me for one moment, I just have to take a hit of
nitrous. There we are, all better. Well, while I think of the next sentence I
may as well have toke of the white smoke. Look, I know this isn’t normal. I
know that I am a self-destructive fuck head. I know, I know, I know. The only
thing I don’t understand is why I can’t make myself stop.
Every good chance I get, I squander with the chance to get
intoxicated. I have a serious problem. But the more I think about it, the less
I think it’s the drugs. The drugs are just a means to an end, it would be the
same if I got heavily into sex or if I was an adrenaline junky. It’s a pass
time, it’s an escape.
Every time I am brave enough to consider this topic, I come
closer and closer to the realisation; I think I have depression. I have all the
typical signs, an inability to get out of bed some days, suicidal thoughts, etc. Now, I don’t think I have it very bad.
Like, I consider ending it, but I honestly don’t think I have it in me.
That said, there is one thing in life that gives me pure and
utter joy, a high that no drug can bring. When I am behind those decks,
blasting tunes to a crowd or broadcasting worldwide on Fridays on our online
radio station, I am at peace with the world. But this also backfires, if I play
a bad set, I take it personally.
For example I got to play a set at Shut Up and Dance 2,
which was undeniably the biggest underground party of the season. Three stages,
three crews, an amazing line up, which included a internationally headlining
Dj and MC duo: Qbik and Seeka. I got to play on the same stage as them, fuck I
got to play on the same decks. Everyone told me I did fine, but I didn’t think
so.
And that’s the hardest part, when I thought I missed a drop
or transition, I would duck behind the decks and punch myself in the head and
say “what are you doing, you fucking idiot.” I never feel like I am letting
myself down, I have no aspirations that I am an amazing DJ, but I feel like I
rob the crowd of the amazingness that is Drum and Bass, and that hurts me.
I have never had more passion for anything than I have for
Drum and Bass, and even though I beat the crap out of myself for missing a
drop, when I hit it, I swell up inside. For real, if I had no inhibitions, I
would blubber like an idiot after a good set, (can you imagine though? I mean, it’s
already hard enough to get cred in this scene as a faggot, if I was a
blubbering faggot? Say goodbye to any shred of respect I have managed to amass).
But apart from those few fleeting moments of pure,
unadulterated happiness I am empty. I get up every day, and I remember that I
am being crushed by a mountain of financial debt and societal emptiness. I
realise that I have very few real friends, and even fewer people who actually
give a fuck about me. I realise I am alone, and that it’s my own fault.
But I have been trying to change, I have been trying to be a
better person. I treat people better, I actually listen when other people talk,
and I am not so self-centred anymore. Or
at least I try not to be. But for every step forward I take 2 steps back, I am
a better friend, then I fall in love with the wrong man.
My brain fucking sucks. I am not sure how I am gonna go on
from here. But I know that today, I am gonna do what ever I need too to get
another hit.
Care to join?
