Huh. Guess I am human.

In the last few days I have found something i'd lost. its quite a scary prospect. I have lived for a while with no emotional part of in my brain. well i doubt that's true, it was proberly just buried underneath something seemingly more important.

Fuck this it was way better for me to live in my numb state, i much perfered it. I was used to it, and it made situations a hell of a lot easier. Dont assume that the things that i have said in the past, good or bad, were false, as i did mean them. Its quite difficult to expain what i am feeling. maybe its just my brain working on a human level for once.

But starting from now I am making a few changes. I am going to be cutting a lot of people out of my life completely, and for the smaller number of you that are left i am going to work to improve the friendship that we have. Along with cleaning house I am also going to (attempt) to fix aspects of myself that i (and I'm sure that my friends) dont like too much.

Alot of why i blather on and do some annoying things sometimes i believe has to do with my younger, primary school years. I never talked to anyone or socialised until i hit highschool. thats not an exaggeration. So once high school came along i all of a sudden developed a new outgoing personality almost instantly and without provocation. all good, except that i had missed about 9 years of developing skills and learning how to interact with humans instead of literature, my only aquantance till that point.

I guess that actually explains my choice is men. I like people here and there but i have only ever been infatuated with the strange, socially awkward guys. I think i see the person i used to be, and in a way i miss that.

But i am trying to improve that aspect of myself.I can identify the things that i do that I dont like, but i cant seem to stop myself doing them. Add into the fact that i am constantly stressing around certain people, worrying that what i say or do is annoying them and inadvertantly pushing them away.

But i digress, self improvement time must start now. See you all on the flipside.